he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
