my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
