I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
