The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
