You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
