Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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