Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
