i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
