Moan for me like Helen Keller
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
