This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
