if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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