Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
MIDGETS
????
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
