I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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