There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
