the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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