That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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