just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
