I accidentally had phone sex last night
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
