I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
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