so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
