Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
