So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
