I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
