shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
