Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
