I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
you inspire me to be a worse person
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
A bitchslap is in order.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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