Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
