you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
