is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
