Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
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