I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
