Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
