kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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