I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Randomize
