also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
