so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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