I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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