I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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