turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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