the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
