When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
