hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
We just shotgunned beers for America
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
