While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I wish they made helmets for livers.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
