They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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