Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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