Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
