I just threw up on my dentist
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
