This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
