So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
