she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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